


Today in Pop Culture

by PlotQueen



Category: Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter - Laurell K. Hamilton
Genre: Crack, Gen, and actresses, gratuitous violence towards undeserving musicians, i have nothing against them, newspaper format!, really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-01-01
Updated: 1999-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 19:50:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlotQueen/pseuds/PlotQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was just one. Too many. Concerts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Today in Pop Culture

**Author's Note:**

> For the record, I don’t hate any mainstream pop stars. I'm so dating myself with this shit, but yeah. I grew up on most of these kids. THIS IS CRACK. SPOOF. STUPID AS FUCKING HELL. But fun and funny. (Also, I'm being hella lazy and just posting this all together instead of splitting the 'news articles' up.)

Leading boy band members found burned to death.

LOS ANGELES SUN  
APRIL 4,2000

Fans Mourn Loss of Pop Icons

Less than a week after disappearing, boy band members Nick Carter, Brian Litrell, Kevin Richardson, AJ McLean, and Howie Durough of the Backstreet Boys fame have been found.

Following on the heels of the apparent abduction of pop queen Britney Spears, who hasn’t been located yet, the Santa Fe Police Department denies rumors that the stars were found in a dumpster behind a local bar, bodies burned beyond recognition. Informants in the coroner’s office dispute these claims saying that the remains were only identified by their dental records.

While there are no suspects at this time, SFPD continues to search for the perpetrator.

\---

Local park hits headlines.

LOS ANGELES SUN  
APRIL 17, 2000

Pop Queen's Body Found

Mainstream pop star Britney Spears of _…Baby One More Time_ and _Sometimes_ fame was scheduled to perform on March 23, 2000 and head to a venue in Los Angeles, CA. Between the time it took her to leave the stage and to board her tour bus, Spears was found to be missing. After a frantic search of the venue no sign of her was found, nor were any ransom demands sent to the Santa Fe PD. 

Yesterday afternoon Spears' body was found in a local park, hidden among dumpsters. It’s unknown as to who her attacker was or why she was murdered, but insiders with the SFPD have informed us that the method of death was abrupt and unusual. "Not many people are familiar with garrotes nowadays,” the unnamed detective stated.

Investigations are ongoing due to the violent nature of the murder and because this follows on the tragic events of the recent finding of the Backstreet Boys' charred remains.

\---

N*Sync will honor date at Santa Fe venue.

LOS ANGELES SUN  
APRIL 17,2000

New kings of pop, N*Sync ( _Tearin’ Up My Heart_ , _Bye, Bye, Bye_ ) have confirmed their intent to honor tonight’s concert scheduled at the Santa Fe venue from which pop stars Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys have been abducted and then murdered.

Investigations into the abductions and homicides are continuing.

\---

Third mysterious disappearance from Santa Fe venue. 

LOS ANGELES SUN APRIL 18,2000 BREAKING NEWS: Pop Serial? Shortly after exiting the stage the newest reining kings of pop, N*Sync, were found to be missing. Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, and Chris Kirkpatrick were apparently abducted after the meet and greet while heading to their tour bus. Two bodyguards and several security guards were posted to watch the route the men would take but claim they saw nothing. This is the third abduction of pop stars in recent weeks in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and has given the venue the label of being jinxed. Earlier when interviewed Timberlake, 18, was heard to say, "It's just a silly superstition. A few bad things happen and everyone goes nuts." Local police have called in the FBI and the investigation of all three incidents (previously the Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears) has taken priority.   
So worried are artists that Mandy Moore, the 16-year-old phenomenon with hits such as _Candy_ has said she will not perform at the venue and instead has moved to the venue in Albuquerque, New Mexico. All tickets for the Santa Fe concert will be honored at the gates.

\---

USPS delivers more stars than ever.

LOS ANGELES SUN APRIL 19,2000 Fans of the music group N*Sync got the shock of their lives when they woke up this morning. After their mysterious disappearance from backstage at their Santa Fe, New Mexico concert last night the five band mates have been found. Everywhere from Los Angeles, CA to Boston, MA, N*Sync fans checked their mail boxes today to find pieces of their favorite band members over-nighted to them from Santa Fe. Non-fans are also receiving pieces of the famous singers. One unnamed non-fan was sent the scalps of all five men and refuses to give them to the law enforcement agencies demanding them. The unnamed woman has barricaded herself in her dorm room at her Seattle, WA University and has issued the demand that she be allowed to keep them as she has braided them into a trophy—as a follower of Boba Fett. While the Seattle PD is working to retrieve the missing pieces from her, other law enforcement agencies have joined with the FBI to gather the other pieces. As the investigation into these grisly murders continues, no suspects have been found. 

\---

No suspects in continued disappearances.

LOS ANGELES SUN  
JUNE 12, 2000

More Missing in Disturbing Abductions

Pop star Mandy Moore was abducted from Albuquerque’s local concert venue after rescheduling her Santa Fe concert amidst fears from previous deaths. Despite the change in venue and heightened security, local authorities were called in late last night when the singer was discovered missing from her tour bus. Inside sources reveal that the bus was a nightmare of struggle and blood, all of which is believed to be Moore’s but is pending DNA analysis.

Albuquerque officials have closed the venue citing “…that in the wake of the abductions and ensuing homicides, city administrators will be closing the venue for 6 months, giving the police the time and space to pursue their investigation as well as to prevent any more incidents.” Rumors of closing all concert venues in north-central New Mexico have abounded, though none are substantiated yet.

\---

Seattle stand-off ended.

LOS ANGELES SUN  
JULY 3, 2000

Final Remains Recovered

Almost three months after barricading herself in her dorm room at Washington State University in Seattle, WA, Senna Ran has finally emerged and turned herself in to local police. The standoff, initially projected to last a mere days, escalated in to months due to students smuggling food, water, and sources of entertainment into the closed of wing of student housing. Most notoriously, a Florida woman smuggled cases of alcohol and two male dancers in, resulting in screaming fits while waving the deceased’s remains in the air.

Ran, a 20 year old student at the university, was mailed the scalps of all five of the performers in N*Sync three months ago by the assailant who has presumably kidnapped and murdered more than a dozen pop stars. She is being held without bond while awaiting arraignment and a psychiatric evaluation. Seattle police say that once her mental competence has been established bond will be set and criminal charges will be pursued.

The scalps have been returned to family of the deceased and will be interred in a joint ceremony next week. All families are still offering rewards of up to five million dollars in hopes of catching the killer, who remains at large after abducting Mandy Moore from her tour bus at an Albuquerque concert in June. She is presumed dead though no body has been found.

\---

Pop star’s body found.

LOS ANGELES SUN  
MARCH 26, 2001

The remains of pop singer Mandy Moore have finally been recovered. Park rangers discovered the decomposed body two days ago in Seven Falls, Colorado. The popular nature park in the lower Rocky Mountains has been closed while FBI and local police search for clues. An insider tells that the remains were identified only after comparing dental records.

Head agents suspect lycanthropes of the murder, though they have not yet extended the category as far as the previous murders. Reports have been made that the remains were badly desecrated, including teeth marks on several bones. No word as to whether it was actually teeth marks or blade marks.

The FBI has consulted its famed animator associate, Anita Blake, though she has not been invited onto the case yet. Santa Fe local Ted Forrester, a bounty hunter, has been working on the cases for three months as the suspect list has dwindled into nothing human.

\---

LOS ANGELES SUN  
JANUARY 17, 2005

Pop-Slayer Surfaces in Miami, FL

After three years of relative peace, the well known Pop Star Serial Killer has returned. Less than 24 hours after singer Ashlee Simpson (younger sister of star Jessica Simpson) butchered a live performance at the Orange Bowl in Miami, FL, her body was found hanging from the north wall of the stadium.

Police and FBI have closed down the stadium and are seeking to question thousands of attendees in the hopes that someone would have seen something to lead them to the elusive killer. Tampa resident Margaret DeWitt said of the night, “I thought it sucked. I was sitting next to this girl who was bouncing around and singing, and all I could think was I wanted it to be over. I think her dad was disgusted with the show too. Whoever killed her should be given a medal, not arrested. It was a waste of money, if you ask me.”

Police have even gone so far as to ask the local preternatural community to step in and see if they can ‘sniff out’ the killer, in the hopes that the spree will finally be ended. What once was local to New Mexico, has just hopped the border.

\---

LOS ANGELES SUN  
JANUARY 18, 2005

Hollywood Hills Horror

In a frightening turn of events, the Pop Star Serial Killer has surfaced in the Hollywood Hills area, not far from Studio City. In what can only be taken as an attempt to rid the world of pop music, singer/actress Jessica Simpson and her husband Nick Lachey have been found beneath the famous Hollywood sign that overlooks the city.

In what has been described as a butchering, the couple was found tied together beneath the ‘H’ while engaged in inhumane acts. This comes on the heels of the murder of younger sister Ashlee Simpson in the aftermath of the Orange Bowl.

Police are inspecting airline manifests, in the hopes of finding the killer. They believe the killer would have flown from Miami to the LA area on a direct flight, though they haven’t ruled out any other methods. Police are now combing the area, but have little hope of coming across anything.

They do, however, recommend anyone affiliated with the pop music movement to remain indoors, with all lights on. Do not answer your doors, and don’t sing.

\---

LOS ANGELES SUN  
JANUARY 18, 2005

BREAKING NEWS: Crossover Stars Missing

Crossover sensations Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff have been reported as missing from their Palisades homes. Reports of a dark green Mazda Protégé driving around in the area have been taken, as well as two eye witness accounts of a strange blond man peering in fences.

Police are checking rental car records in the hopes of finding a connection between the mysterious man and a rented green Mazda, though their hopes are slim in the matter. Local forces say that it’s far likelier that it is a private vehicle belonging to the man, or stolen. The chances of capture dwindle, as the only other clue is a black American Express card that Lohan apparently dropped when she was abducted.

The police once again stress the need for anyone affiliated with pop music to remain inside their homes. In addition, they also request that no one attend P. Diddy’s party this evening, no matter how much they want to know if J. Lo will be bringing her husband.

\---

Wall art decorates downtown.

LOS ANGELES SUN  
JANUARY 20, 2005

Rental records lead to bodies and suspect

In a horrifying twist of fate, local authorities have managed to track down the suspect in the Pop Star Serial Killer cases through a rented Mazda. Police arrived at the suspect’s location just in time to witness him adding the final touches to a new scene of wall art with a nail gun.

A four square block section of the city has been cordoned off as police work to remove the bodies of previously missing Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff. The women were killed moments before police arrived. The families ask that fans please respect their grieving and not to attempt contacting them.

Police are charging Theodore Forrester of Santa Fe, New Mexico with over thirty counts of kidnapping and 1st degree murder. Forrester, who is a bounty hunter once invited to help on the case, has refused comment and will not speak to anyone since his arrest early this morning. His bail has been set at two million dollars, which he has little hope of meeting.

\---

Trial date set.

LOS ANGELES SUN  
JANUARY 24, 2005

Executioner wings to death

Anita Blake, also known as the Executioner to Midwest locals, has posted bail for Ted Forrester, accused of more than a dozen counts of first degree murder. In an unofficial statement made to the press as she was exiting the city jail, Forrester in tow, she said, “I can’t believe they’re charging you with murder. They should give you a medal for what you did.”

Police have declined comment as to whether or not Ms. Blake will be taken into consideration as an accomplice. They have released that the jury selection for this high profile case will begin early next week, with the trial to follow shortly after.

\---

Jury selection hits wall

LOS ANGELES SUN  
FEBRUARY 1, 2005

Serial killer killed in blaze

In a terrible twist of fate, Theodore Forrester, accused of killing fifteen different persons, was pronounced dead at the scene of a horrific accident this morning. Police say that Anita Blake, the woman who posted bail for Forrester, was driving to her hotel some time before midnight with Forrester in the passenger front seat when she lost control of her rented Jeep Grand Cherokee on one of the coastal highways.

The vehicle rolled several times, ejecting Ms. Blake as her seatbelt failed and sending it plunging over the edge onto the rocky beach where it burst into flames as the fuel tank broke. Firefighters were able to calm the blaze and eventually put it out, but not until it had already burned more than half of the jeep and all of its contents to an unrecognizable rubble.

Forrester was pronounced dead, the only recoverable item being a piece of femur that was too badly burned to perform DNA typing on.

Blake is doing well in the hospital with minor scrapes and bruises, and a broken wrist.

\---

King of Pop dethroned

LOS ANGELES SUN  
FEBRUARY 1, 2005

Jackson trial thrown out

Less than 24 hours after the child molestation trial of Michael Jackson began, it has been dismissed from court. The defendant was found murdered this morning when he failed to appear for the second day of trial. Police investigated on a warrant for his arrest.

Jackson was found gagged and bound in his rented home, though the cause of death is uncertain at this point. Medical examiners will be performing the autopsy over the next 48 hours, but an insider details that Jackson was bludgeoned and stabbed, though it’s unknown whether this was before or after he was disfigured.

Sources say that Jackson’s genitals were removed with ‘surgical precision,’ and that if they didn’t know better they would add another count of murder to recently deceased Ted Forrester’s several prior counts.

Police have ruled out the possibility that Forrester did it; the time of death has been firmly set around two hours after his own.


End file.
